it's not just about living, it's about living better.
History of Sexual Abuse
During my therapy session, I directed my breath downward to my pelvic region, the place in my body that has borne the most abuse, both physical and sexual. I thought of the internal urogenital work Dr. Mariotti had done earlier in the day, and I was convinced it was no coincidence that my visceral manipulation and therapy appointments were concurrent that day. I was supposed to gain the assistance he gave so I would be prepared to send healing energy to this region that needed it most. Dr. Mariotti's internal work with my uterus, bladder and rectum helped loosen some sticky areas so my organs could properly move, and with greater ease. How thankful I was that this work was done prior to my therapy session, for I believe it also opened priorly-stuck channels to receive the healing I've been in need of for decades.
Yesterday's EMDR [Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing] session was so intense and powerful that I continue to feel tired and sluggish today. Rachel [my therapist] said I released a lot of toxins in the session that ended up lasting 90 minutes in lieu of the usual 50-60.
Earlier in the day, Dr. Mariotti had done some inner vaginal and bladder work, so I was very ready to allow any and all healing in. For the first time, the first, I laid my deepest deprivation, shame, and affect from the incest out into the open. I brought it to the surface from the furthest reaches of my psyche--where it was buried, but still alive.
Feeling the entirety of the actual truth of my life instead of arm's length secrets made it permissible to experience the full import of what I was faced with, the terrible truth of what I was up against.
This was the first time in my life when I wasn't dissociated from the truth of my incestuous travail. I allowed its full impact to arise to the surface of my consciousness. "You weren't protected. Make all the sounds your sorrow requires." The long-buried, devastating facts no longer stayed hidden. The truth of all of it was fully fleshed out, there was safe space for it to be dealt with. "Yes ... let it go."
It was no longer my silent burden to shoulder, my irretrievable loss to absorb.